I Do Regret More Than I Admit.

I Lost Myself For A While.

I haven't been here for a while.

I've been thinking of writing on this page for a long time now, but now I've finally gotten around to doing it.

A lot has happened, I've changed a lot.

I'm kind of a darker, more frustrated, sadder person.

But I'm getting around to finding myself... yet again.

So I'll Stick To My Guns But From Now On It's War, I'm Armed With The Past And The Will And A Brick.

Now a year older I feel so less of an adult than the last time I wrote here. I got deep into alcohol problems and am battling with them again. I'm battling deep depression. I'm battling myself. This battle with myself isn't a choice it was forced onto me by my head. I wish I could be ok, I wish I could help people other than myself. I'm not sure but I think I was convincing myself that I was ok without her, that I didn't miss her. I'm Still In Love With You, Can't Admit It Yet. I can't admit it because I feel I always have to be strong for everyone, because I've always been that rock. I just have no idea how to start being happy for her happiness. ...I'm Armed With The Past And The Will And A Brick ; I know my past better than anything else, It's made me stronger, but it has also weakened me, made me this fucked up person that I am. I just wish I had something to look forward to, well I do, Montreal, but I wish I had someone to look forward too, someone to help me get through this. I need a special someone to make me want to change myself, even though I shouldn't. Actually I should want to change myself for myself, but I don't, I don't care about myself. That's what the psychologist is trying to make me do but it just isn't cutting it, I've always cared about other people more than about myself, others make me. You Are Who They Say You Are. And that's true whatever you think you are, is always surpassed by what others say you are.

It Takes More Than Fucking Someone To Keep Yourself Warm.

I know it's bad to spend your time having sex with everyone, but I find there's something comforting in a women. I'm probably one of the only persons that is able to love someone for one night. I can give everything I have to one person for one night, actually believe I love her, and make her feel like the only thing on earth. And the next day be really cold and indifferent with that person. But I can't manage to do that with myself, I can't make myself believe I'm special, not even for one night. Not with any of those girls, none of them manage to make myself believe I'm actually doing them good for one night. I miss that feeling of being cared for, I miss that special feeling of being the only thing a person cares for. I'm high maintenance, I drain everything from someone and I don't even know why, I don't know why I need to be that special to someone for every second of their life. It makes me lose it every time. I feel so unspecial all the time, everyone always like somebody more than me, everyone has a best friend other than me. I've never found my somebody. 

Anyways, I've got school tomorrow (Something I'm failing with myself and others).

It's 3 AM I Must Be Lonely. I Can't Help But Be Scared Of It All.

I am I am scared of it all theses days' and I've got no one to hold my hand through it. But it's all my fault. And I've gotta take it like a grownup. 

I Can't Get To Bed, But I'm Really Tired, The Things In My Head, You Used To Admire.

Somewhere On St. Laurent Street

Distance.

Here I am, Minutes To Midnight, and hours from Montreal, like in both ways. I'm leaving tomorrow after my final french government exam at 1h tomorrow. The exam is scaring the shit out of me in many ways, first out the fact that I can't write without making errors can't help me, second is the failure of it means one more thing to do with my english to pass my Cegep and finally, it seems so final. The end of my regular courses, the start of concentrated journalism, us being the oldest in the pavilion. Everything seems so far yet so close, five years ago seems like decades while in five years seems like tomorrow, the finality of life, well of the fun part of it seems so imminent. But isn't that a feeling you get when your like thirty, I'm scared of my life being over too soon, I'm going to be on the work area at 19, I'm going to be a professional at 19. 

Love Is So Long Without You.

I miss her. And I'm having a hard time facing the fact that she doesn't love me anymore, I've never experienced this, she's always been in love with me, from the moment she saw me. I don't understand how it could disappear like that. And I don't know if it's completely gone, I'm anxious, scared and nervous of having coffee with her, I looked at the book she made for me with all of our story, and it hurt so much looking at it, knowing that we could have been so much more. 

Anyways, it isn't late but I have to write a pile of shit tomorrow so I'm going to bed, I'll have to try to block her out of my head for at least 4 hours. Then try not to think about her too much in the car since it's going to be a long drive to my roommates place. I'm also anxious to see my best friend.

Introduction and Part 1 of ?

It's Not Who You Are It's What People Say You Are....Or Is It?

So this is my first time doing something like this, actually putting my feelings out to an unknown world, since well, everyone I know pretty much always knows what I think by reading my Messenger display name. 

I'm 18, I'm a lost kid slowly becoming a man, a lot has been going on lately, I'm really lost in what I think and where I stand on everything in my life. I've been living away from home since I was 16 and have been forced, and have forced myself to grow up real quick. Theses day's I've forced myself to do that much quicker. 

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

Someone recently gave up on me, and what we used to call "Us", I loved her dearly and still do. Even though I probably deserved getting dumped, I still wish she wouldn't have given up. I was searching for myself and hurting and I passed that out on her, by asking her to change, by asking her to become something she wasn't. I was acting like a selfish asshole and felt left out, see my best friends moved out of my life (well kind of, they still are the best friends I have, except they now don't live down the street but many miles away, like a 5 hour drive) and that left a gigantic void in my life(That'll be covered in a later post). And I tried to fill that void by making her exactly like what I had lost, so I lost her as well. And now here I am longing for a relationship I fucked up myself, just to realize that I loved the person she was, without change without anything new or different, just her. It's 2:15 and through the sounds of Grapevine Fires lays...me...alone, thinking about what I lost and about how the phrase "You Realize What You Have When You Lose It" doesn't apply in this case. See the night she dumped me I had realized how wrong I had acted, and how I needed and wanted to change, but it was too late. So here I am retaining myself from writing to her on msn, from telling her she's all that I want, from telling her sorry, and from telling her the three saddest words : I Love You. It drives me crazy to think that she's so close yet so far, because I don't know what she's thinking, and I'm hoping I'm somewhere in those dreams, or thoughts. I'm tired of weighing everything I say to her, of giving her space, of playing the unwounded guy. I haven't cried yet, because I can't because for the first time in a very long time I want something in my life, and I want it more than anything, not just to have it, but to cherish it and to never lose it again. And I hope one day she'll feel the same.

To Be A Remain...

That's all for tonight, I know my thoughts probably don't make any sense but it's normal since they don't even achieve that state in my mind. I know most of you don't care, and most of you will see me as a guy whose complaining for anything, and I feel like that since so many other people live through worse stuff, but this is important for me, and I hope the people I love and cherish will realize it and take care of me, and discuss with me because all I need is to speak it through theses days but I always feel bad talking about only myself, and it bores people, but I need answers to so many questions, to so many feeling, to how The One I Love feels and thinks, and if I'm on her mind.