I Do Regret More Than I Admit.

I Lost Myself For A While.

I haven't been here for a while.

I've been thinking of writing on this page for a long time now, but now I've finally gotten around to doing it.

A lot has happened, I've changed a lot.

I'm kind of a darker, more frustrated, sadder person.

But I'm getting around to finding myself... yet again.

So I'll Stick To My Guns But From Now On It's War, I'm Armed With The Past And The Will And A Brick.

Now a year older I feel so less of an adult than the last time I wrote here. I got deep into alcohol problems and am battling with them again. I'm battling deep depression. I'm battling myself. This battle with myself isn't a choice it was forced onto me by my head. I wish I could be ok, I wish I could help people other than myself. I'm not sure but I think I was convincing myself that I was ok without her, that I didn't miss her. I'm Still In Love With You, Can't Admit It Yet. I can't admit it because I feel I always have to be strong for everyone, because I've always been that rock. I just have no idea how to start being happy for her happiness. ...I'm Armed With The Past And The Will And A Brick ; I know my past better than anything else, It's made me stronger, but it has also weakened me, made me this fucked up person that I am. I just wish I had something to look forward to, well I do, Montreal, but I wish I had someone to look forward too, someone to help me get through this. I need a special someone to make me want to change myself, even though I shouldn't. Actually I should want to change myself for myself, but I don't, I don't care about myself. That's what the psychologist is trying to make me do but it just isn't cutting it, I've always cared about other people more than about myself, others make me. You Are Who They Say You Are. And that's true whatever you think you are, is always surpassed by what others say you are.

It Takes More Than Fucking Someone To Keep Yourself Warm.

I know it's bad to spend your time having sex with everyone, but I find there's something comforting in a women. I'm probably one of the only persons that is able to love someone for one night. I can give everything I have to one person for one night, actually believe I love her, and make her feel like the only thing on earth. And the next day be really cold and indifferent with that person. But I can't manage to do that with myself, I can't make myself believe I'm special, not even for one night. Not with any of those girls, none of them manage to make myself believe I'm actually doing them good for one night. I miss that feeling of being cared for, I miss that special feeling of being the only thing a person cares for. I'm high maintenance, I drain everything from someone and I don't even know why, I don't know why I need to be that special to someone for every second of their life. It makes me lose it every time. I feel so unspecial all the time, everyone always like somebody more than me, everyone has a best friend other than me. I've never found my somebody. 

Anyways, I've got school tomorrow (Something I'm failing with myself and others).

It's 3 AM I Must Be Lonely. I Can't Help But Be Scared Of It All.

I am I am scared of it all theses days' and I've got no one to hold my hand through it. But it's all my fault. And I've gotta take it like a grownup. 

I Can't Get To Bed, But I'm Really Tired, The Things In My Head, You Used To Admire.