Introduction and Part 1 of ?

It's Not Who You Are It's What People Say You Are....Or Is It?

So this is my first time doing something like this, actually putting my feelings out to an unknown world, since well, everyone I know pretty much always knows what I think by reading my Messenger display name. 

I'm 18, I'm a lost kid slowly becoming a man, a lot has been going on lately, I'm really lost in what I think and where I stand on everything in my life. I've been living away from home since I was 16 and have been forced, and have forced myself to grow up real quick. Theses day's I've forced myself to do that much quicker. 

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

Someone recently gave up on me, and what we used to call "Us", I loved her dearly and still do. Even though I probably deserved getting dumped, I still wish she wouldn't have given up. I was searching for myself and hurting and I passed that out on her, by asking her to change, by asking her to become something she wasn't. I was acting like a selfish asshole and felt left out, see my best friends moved out of my life (well kind of, they still are the best friends I have, except they now don't live down the street but many miles away, like a 5 hour drive) and that left a gigantic void in my life(That'll be covered in a later post). And I tried to fill that void by making her exactly like what I had lost, so I lost her as well. And now here I am longing for a relationship I fucked up myself, just to realize that I loved the person she was, without change without anything new or different, just her. It's 2:15 and through the sounds of Grapevine Fires lays...me...alone, thinking about what I lost and about how the phrase "You Realize What You Have When You Lose It" doesn't apply in this case. See the night she dumped me I had realized how wrong I had acted, and how I needed and wanted to change, but it was too late. So here I am retaining myself from writing to her on msn, from telling her she's all that I want, from telling her sorry, and from telling her the three saddest words : I Love You. It drives me crazy to think that she's so close yet so far, because I don't know what she's thinking, and I'm hoping I'm somewhere in those dreams, or thoughts. I'm tired of weighing everything I say to her, of giving her space, of playing the unwounded guy. I haven't cried yet, because I can't because for the first time in a very long time I want something in my life, and I want it more than anything, not just to have it, but to cherish it and to never lose it again. And I hope one day she'll feel the same.

To Be A Remain...

That's all for tonight, I know my thoughts probably don't make any sense but it's normal since they don't even achieve that state in my mind. I know most of you don't care, and most of you will see me as a guy whose complaining for anything, and I feel like that since so many other people live through worse stuff, but this is important for me, and I hope the people I love and cherish will realize it and take care of me, and discuss with me because all I need is to speak it through theses days but I always feel bad talking about only myself, and it bores people, but I need answers to so many questions, to so many feeling, to how The One I Love feels and thinks, and if I'm on her mind.